The Stance

 

Toilet paper Español: Papel higiénico (Photo credit: Wikipedia)My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms When I was a little girl,she’d take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she’d instruct, “Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

That was a long time ago. Now, in my “mature” years, “The Stance” is excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter.

The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn’t – so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank up your dress, and assume “The Stance.”

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.”

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still
waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you’ve got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

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Marketing Explained

 

English: A woman wearing a bikini inspects a salesman's necklaces on a popular beach on a sunny day. Huatulco, Oaxaca, México (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Direct Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

Advertising

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.”

Telemarketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.”

Public Relations

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich. Will you marry me?”

Brand Recognition

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich.”

Customer Feedback

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me”
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

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No Officers Available

English: Peel Region Police cars in Malton, Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)A man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there was a burglar in the shed taking things to a truck they had parked on the curb.

He phoned the police, who asked if the intruder was in his home, to which he responded that he wasn’t. They responded that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

“Okay,” he said and hung up. He counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there was a burglar in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now ’cause I’ve just shot him.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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