Bad Phone Call

Sir Barton and jockey Johnny Loftus, 1919 Preakness Stakes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Señor Howell? This is Juan, the caretaker at your summer house.”

“Ah yes, Juan. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that I bought from the San Diego Zoo?”

“Sí, that’s the one.”

“Darn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat.”

“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, señor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky.”

“Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years back?”


“How did he die?”

“He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What!!! But there’s electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral.”


“Your mother’s. She showed up one night out of the blue, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your brand new golf clubs.”


“Juan, if you broke that golf club, you’re fired!”


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Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You…


English: Ordinary leisure time dartboard (photo taken in Finland) Suomi: Tikkataulu (Photo credit: Wikipedia)10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She’s been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don’t recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something… on daytime television.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it’s always “I would like you to meet an old friend of mine…”

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, “You haven’t got a clue, do you?”

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Talking Dog

Labrador retriever (Photo credit: Wikipedia)A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador retriever sitting there.

You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!”


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