Eating Healthy

Healthy Breakfast (Photo credit: SummerTomato)Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, bachelor John declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told his married sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real
rough.”

“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?”

Calories That Don’t Count

List of U.S. state foods (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie counting principles. The following are calories that don’t count:

CUSTOM MADE FOOD

Anything somebody made “just for you” must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But don’t worry, because the calories don’t count.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY

If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn’t count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

Confused Smart Scale

2006_10_13 (Photo credit: DennisSylvesterHurd)The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair.

“Listen to these features,” he announced to the gathering crowd. “It’s calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that’s not all…”

“Very impressive,” interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, “but before I place an order I’ll have to try it out.”

Polite Yelling

Sad Girl (Photo credit: shainelee)

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

“NO! NO! NO!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” her mother scolded. “That’s not polite behavior.”

At that, the girl yelled even louder, “NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!”

  • Joke 522 (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com)

Incapacitated

Another fundraiser (Photo credit: Stephen Cummings)I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. “Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, “I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”

She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?”

Impertinent Scale

Description unavailable (Photo credit: dno1967b)At the scale manufacturers’ convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they were calibrated correctly.  However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.

A smooth-talking sales representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.

Grasshopper Ailment

Egiptian grasshopper (Anacridium aegyptium) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Q: Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?

A: Because it was feeling jumpy.

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